Ms. Everything? — On The Heath

she was exactly what I needed the fulfilment of all wishes or so it seemed before the idea flitted in my mind like a weaver bird in the branches of a wavering tree a thought without familiarity strange flight of the imagination away on whirring wings into the vast blue… uncertainty wondering what if I’d […]

via Ms. Everything? — On The Heath

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Sadness to Stillness 

I had my heart broke this morning. I ran with a knife in my hand, knowing it would one day drive through my heart. I held it with both hands, knowing that one day the piercing pain I loved on my skin, would soon be pressed further… I knew it would drive it’s blade through the tender spot between my ribs, but I loved the way it made me bleed and longed for its intensity. The coolness of the blade, the warmth of the blood, it required all of my attention. 

Where does one feel sadness? Where do I feel sadness? I suppose it starts in my core, like the force of the four winds colliding into one focused blow. Then it begins to expand as it relaxes all of its weight onto my chest. I struggle to catch my breath and fear that I never will… And that’s when the fire begins its nasty burn. It starts as a little spark and within seconds, your heart is engulfed in its burning desire. Like the sound of glass bursting through windows… Glass shards skim past your mind. Memories held as simple images reflecting in the broken mess. My heart races and the once warming feeling of my blood pumping is now acid to my veins. I’ve placed my own hands around my neck, squeezing the life from myself. My head falls like the gears from my eyes… The only thing that feels good is my tears. The salty taste cleansing my bitter agony. I can feel the flush of my cheeks, the puffiness of my soul. My body quakes under the pain, breaking down all the false ideals I held to be true. Each wall crumbling in this house of cards we’ve built. I’ve built… And then the silence. As though the purging of the tears, the refining of the fire, and the pressure of the wind somehow have provided the recipe for the perfect storm. Now I stand barefoot in the middle of my world… My shoulders back, my head held high. My feet reach into the soil as I ground. My mind releases all of its energy. No more thoughts. Clarity. My mind is full of emptiness. Mindfullness. And then im not sad. Shaken up, knocked around, but not sad. I’ve laid it there on this hallow ground. Buried in my own ashes. Drowned in my own tears. And there it will remain. A simple stain… A simple scar. A reminder that following my heart is not a good idea. 

Compassionate Core

Sometimes I wake in a violent shock, thrown from a past reality into this current abyss of time. From days of innocence….you were my world, entrapped perfection… now a single bed and an empty heart. I still dream of your hands caressing my back, your whispers in my ear. At night, I hold on to what we had as tight as my sleep will allow. I arise as tears force themselves down my cheeks no matter how hard I try to deny their existence. The only relief is their warmth. At least something is warm.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t wake at all. One handful of little blue pills could make you stay with me forever. Then I could rest in the sound of your heart beating against my chest. Then I could stay beautiful. I could dance around as the crowd stood by with their jealous eyes, knowing that you were mine and I… I am yours. I could twirl into the bedroom at the suns last stance, dip myself in your embrace, feel your beard against my face… against my thighs… Feel you rise and fall at the touch of my sweet lips.

Sometimes I feel so whole in my rest, as though “this” was only a dream. This world I have found myself in is not my home. There is no rest in waking hours from the shattered stained glass I tip toe across. Broken pieces of my heart lie in destruction from your wrath. It used to be so beautiful, its blood red love wrapped in ribbons of blue serenity. Oceans of mermaids and sea creatures sat at its brim. Now they lie gasping for breath as I rush to collect the pieces…

Sometimes I am angry at you. But I can’t stay here. The tears begin to dry and crack and I raise my head to look up from the mess you created. The painful cuts on bare feet become pleasure as I unleash all my fears. I stand tall and clinch my shoulders, feel my lungs expanding with air…in and out…  the fog of mindless thoughts clear…

Sometimes I love you… I no longer dance with blind eyes… with two left feet. No more will I care less. I see behind the obscurity of my own insecurity and find rest in my shattered mess. Compassion was at its core… And that my dear… Was worth our war…

 

In The Better Hands

 

You could only imagine the shadows of my soul when I whispered, “This is me.”

How could you perceive that which you never could believe?

The purging of your innocence rest solely in my hands.

With a tender kiss on soft lips,

I gently pulled her hair.

I know the pain you must have felt,

When you watched me escape with her.

The purging of my innocence, as your heart forgets to beat.

I wish I could save you my love,

But you aren’t mine to save.

I will not hold you hostage in my fictional fantasy.

I’ll break your heart today, to save a couple more tomorrow.

I have fallen for you,

And there isn’t enough room,

For me to softly land.

 

 

        INFP and anger

          In my world there are questions of identity. A life driven to find the unidentifiable. For how can find something that is constantly changing? How could I possibly seek to understand what is constantly being created? It’s like yelling out words before the first letter is turned. Random maybe’s tempt my excitement until I notice, that wasn’t it either. I’m an INFP, a dreamer. I search, wonder, imagine. Understanding emotions seems so positive,until it’s an emotion im not used to. Fear, I get. Love, I kind of get. Sadness, anxiety, happiness, and excitement are all friends. Anger though… I’ve not come to terms with him. He sneaks up through bitterness and resentment. He clinches my fist and caresses my shoulders. He whispers nightmares in my soul, as all of my person becomes an uncontrollable scream. He thrives on my outbursts, it is those moments his fire breathes. This is one I struggle with. He changes his clothes as a disguised investor, seeking to know the deep. I’ll see you again cold one. Maybe by then I’ll have a better definition of the undefinable. Maybe he will help me find the unidentifiable. 

Inside my worlds

marvelingsoul

They told me to write what I saw, when I closed my eyes and looked at me:

Nothingness, space, empty, except this light.

Blinding.

Too bright to look into, yet a symphony, its impossible to not glance in its direction.

Beautiful and strong, intimidating.

And there she was, holding this light… Staring at the light.

Engulfed by shadows cast from her hands,

The outline of her innocence.

Its too dark behind to see,

Nothingness to the left, and to the right.

Im afraid for her.

The warmth from the light;

Sunburn on my cheeks.

What is she doing?

It’s too bright to look into.

I couldn’t resist as she seemed so at rest,

Embracing the burn, accepting the warmth.

She disappeared behind the lambent.

I could feel her presence no more.

I escaped from the darkness by blinded eyes.

Engulfed by the warmth, the peace, the light.

I had no…

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Inside my worlds

They told me to write what I saw, when I closed my eyes and looked at me:

 

 

Nothingness, space, empty, except this light.

Blinding.

Too bright to look into, yet a symphony, its impossible to not glance in its direction.

Beautiful and strong, intimidating.

And there she was, holding this light… Staring at the light.

Engulfed by shadows cast from her hands,

The outline of her innocence.

Its too dark behind to see,

Nothingness to the left, and to the right.

Im afraid for her.

The warmth from the light;

Sunburn on my cheeks.

What is she doing?

It’s too bright to look into.

I couldn’t resist as she seemed so at rest,

Embracing the burn, accepting the warmth.

She disappeared behind the lambent.

I could feel her presence no more.

I escaped from the darkness by blinded eyes.

Engulfed by the warmth, the peace, the light.

I had no choice but to see.

My lids fell heavy and the force of gravity weighed,

Weightless, and heavy.

One blink changes it all.

I feel my body, every bit of it.

Pulsating blood through fingertips, my knees, my toes,

Burning from full lungs,

My heart and breathe syncing up in the most harmonies rhythm.

Fine hairs in my ears vibrate with the symbols clacking on each out breathe.

High pitches, low pitches, music, and peacefulness.

The light has invited me in, to see.

Within the light,

Dark universes shrink to become planets,

Planets happening for moments through the atmosphere,

We arrive at the place the light has for me.

Earth.

Brush strokes of white clouds over deep blue oceans,

Blue oceans light to mirror up to the horizon.

Green blending from here and there molting into the dense brown of the earth.

Souls disguised as owls, hoo into the night.

Eyes fixed on the softness, each feather exploding with gentleness,

Fixed on the heart around its looking glass, I can feel her kindness.

I am fixed on peace.

Peace, in a dark universe.
Light in the midst of emptiness.

Sight in the midst of blindness.

Wisdom in the form of innocence,

Beauty in the form of fear,

And kindness in the eyes of a murderer.

I love

I am tired.

I can love you forever;

Fried eggs and a side.

What does a man gain to win the whole world and loose his soul,

except this world.

I can treat you to tulips,

and whisper in your ear,

but my words and tulips will fade.

I love you beyond now and will praise God for your love.

I feel your love always.

Intensity of your sensitivity only shows me more you care.

One day you will know I accept you,

Embrace you,

Desire you,

Crave you…

Your heart, my best friend…

I will love you from over here.

But I will always,

That is always, and I mean always longing to be closer to you my love,

I’ll grieve for the loss

and hope for the future.

Each day is made new and Glory is awake.

I’ll hold my head high and cry.

Learning the hard way is the only way sometime…

I hope not.

In the midst 

Voices speak and ears hear.

Yet I sit hear in my mind hoping to leave your conversation.

Empty definitions of soulless vibrations.

Acid flames pour from your tongue,

Your heart cries, “ITS ALL LIES!”

I sit here in your presence overwhelmed with your inconsistent communication.

I want to be rude and cover my ears so I don’t have to hear.

I deal with real and you deal with…

You mistake your reality.

Reality?

I’ll stick to me. It’s nice here in my own world.

I don’t want this world.

Maybe one day the ground will quake sending vibrations through your heart,

And shatter the looking glass through which you see.

The man behind the curtain is you.

I am here, I have always been here.

I take my stand and kneel to wash your feet.

Pride? Who cares for he?

Trust me not to hurt you, and you not to hurt me,

And maybe one day you will see I love you until the end, endlessly.